God.
Sometimes... I think it is very, very difficult not to hate God.
You're thinking that's a terrible thing for me to say, and I don't blame you. It is a terrible thing to say.
But you know that it's true.
Sometimes, it's just hard. I don't understand, and I've never been okay with feeling stupid. I don't understand how God can let people go so much. I know that it's free agency and all that, but sometimes it seems like He's just given up. I know He never does, but sometimes it just feels that way.
And still, when I wake up this morning, I can be grateful for the warmth of my bed (the warmth I rarely want to leave) and the weight of my eyelids, heavy from lack of sleep and long hours of weeping. I can be grateful for the fact that my job is a welcome distraction, instead of an arduous task. I still have the option to be okay instead of be angry, and I still know that... I am amazing. The way I fit together on the inside, the way I can heal... I amaze myself sometimes. I choose to be whole instead of damaged, and I finally am starting to realize that it actually is a choice.
I am about to go through the hardest thing I have ever, ever faced. It's not even about me, and maybe that's what makes it harder.
But I realize that I have strength. I have fortitude. I have compassion and kindness-- perhaps even gentility. I am a good woman. Not a good girl, or a good young lady. I am a good woman.
And I can't hate God, because He's done this for me. I can't even be mad at Him. He's given me the ability to hold my head up high through this. Maybe I'm not the most religious woman, or the most pious... but I think I am long-suffering. I have learned patience, a skill I never wanted until I didn't have it, never longed for when I was a child. But I have it, and I am grateful. So very grateful.
Most of me... most of me just remembers something that I read in high school, something from Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury. I don't remember anything about the book, save this one quote:
"It's not you. It's the way God runs the world."
"He's okay. He tries."
You're thinking that's a terrible thing for me to say, and I don't blame you. It is a terrible thing to say.
But you know that it's true.
Sometimes, it's just hard. I don't understand, and I've never been okay with feeling stupid. I don't understand how God can let people go so much. I know that it's free agency and all that, but sometimes it seems like He's just given up. I know He never does, but sometimes it just feels that way.
And still, when I wake up this morning, I can be grateful for the warmth of my bed (the warmth I rarely want to leave) and the weight of my eyelids, heavy from lack of sleep and long hours of weeping. I can be grateful for the fact that my job is a welcome distraction, instead of an arduous task. I still have the option to be okay instead of be angry, and I still know that... I am amazing. The way I fit together on the inside, the way I can heal... I amaze myself sometimes. I choose to be whole instead of damaged, and I finally am starting to realize that it actually is a choice.
I am about to go through the hardest thing I have ever, ever faced. It's not even about me, and maybe that's what makes it harder.
But I realize that I have strength. I have fortitude. I have compassion and kindness-- perhaps even gentility. I am a good woman. Not a good girl, or a good young lady. I am a good woman.
And I can't hate God, because He's done this for me. I can't even be mad at Him. He's given me the ability to hold my head up high through this. Maybe I'm not the most religious woman, or the most pious... but I think I am long-suffering. I have learned patience, a skill I never wanted until I didn't have it, never longed for when I was a child. But I have it, and I am grateful. So very grateful.
Most of me... most of me just remembers something that I read in high school, something from Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury. I don't remember anything about the book, save this one quote:
"It's not you. It's the way God runs the world."
"He's okay. He tries."
3 Comments:
Hey... I think you are amazing.
Strength to you - I'll always listen.
That was amazingly touching I came here from a random search and I am glad I did I could feel your pain, strength, resolve, and what not. I hope all goes well for you.
Hey there. Is it not terrible for you to admit questions and even anger at God. He is big enough shoulder it. Have you talked to Him about it? The one part I don't like is the waiting for the answer! You have been blessed with patience. I have been blessed with a caring heart. One that gets broken quite frequently due to hopes so large, but I always find my comfort in Lk 12:22-34. I also remember Job.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I understand. I love Him with all of my heart which He gave me, mind that He tenderly created, soul which He can divide from my spirit, and strength which He becomes stronger when I am weak. He loves you, and we are not supposed to know everything at once. Can you imagine knowing all thoughts? I would go nuts! Yes, He is stronger than I. God bless you.
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